Your Stories: The Spending Addict

Many men going through divorce think they’re crazy – or beat themselves up – or consider themselves a failure.

In order to help you see that you’re not alone in the way you’re thinking, I thought it would be valuable to allow men going through divorce to share your stories (anonymously, of course).

Please feel free to send in your stories and I’ll post them as I receive them.

I’m also starting a Men’s Community TeleForum in 2010. If you’re interested in participating or would like more information, please contact me.

Our first story comes from a man whose marriage broke up due, in large part, to his wife’s spending addiction. Read on…

I found myself thinking if I made the correct decision, I seemed to push my wife out because of a spending addiction. During the marriage I did not know how to handle this matter & the advice I received from a professional (her call) was not the best out there, I believe it made matters worse. Even though I could not live with this addiction, I was not ready for the marriage to end. I still loved her but this addiction always clouded my judgment when dealing with problems within. I seemed somewhat relieved the day I arrived home finding that my wife was gone feeling like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. As hours past I started to have a sense of sadness for what I have done (pushing her out). I tried to reach out to her but this made the situation worse off. I started chasing the women I loved & with this she became very agitated & shut me out completely. I know at this time the marriage was over & soon I will be receiving divorce papers.

It took about two weeks before I came to grip that the marriage was over for good. This is when my life seemed to become a dream state. Every day seemed to be a blur due to my thoughts being stuck in the past. My mind was now split into two parts, present & past. The guilt was overwhelming with “what have I done” & knowing that it was too late to rectify made it a reality. As Paul mentioned “all hell” was breaking loss in my life, life dreams ending, lose of wife/best friend & not knowing what direction to turn in. It was like my “carpet of life” was pulled from underneath me. 

I had know idea how to handle what I was going though, never experienced anything like this in my life. I started painting to remove the thoughts of the marriage, with this I became physically & mentally exhausted. Then I started to listen to my thoughts just letting them flow freely. With this I started to feel like I was going crazy wondering did she drive me to this, I knew that I needed to learn how to relax again, needed this to clear the mind & stop thinking of the past. I seek help from professionals but with no prevail, I knew that I must do this on my own but how, there’s no switch to turn on/off. I started to write down “all” my feelings & thoughts about the marriage & how it affected me (during & after). Started to reach out to friends by just talking about how things went wrong & the situation I was now in. Started a new routine however there was too much time to fill (where did the time go when married) I considered “all this time” to be the hardest obstacle.

It has been approximately two months with no contact from her end. She left four months ago but had me appear in court recently, I believing this court hearing set me back some, seeing her put me back to day-one. I can recommend no contact is the best way to go.

The hardest emotional element is the guilt & justifying the occurrence. Don’t put blame on yourself, if so you will never move forward. You must accept that the marriage is over & that the wife is never coming back. The time element must be full, set a routine to accomplish this. The biggest issue will be the thoughts of the past that constantly race in the mind, shut these out by thinking of the present & future. Do not get hung-up in the past, move forward. Plus read the articles that are part of this website. You will make it through, just don’t’ freak out before that, think twice.